1st day of Christmas: Santa Is Spreading Disease

By Sir Wintrust And Gerald Fitz - Published 2019-12-13

Santa is a good ‘ole jolly man and likes to manufacture presents for small children in his elf sweatshop and drop into people’s houses uninvited under the guise to steal cookies. However, new studies by the brilliant people of Harvard have shown that Santa is a disgusting germ-carrying fat man that is a carrier for every single pathogen known to man.

Santa- the one who spreads disease uncontrollably and propagator of the common cold. Think about it: He visits every house and must go down a filthy chimney to drop presents that have been in a million houses before, to stick his dirty hand onto a plate of cookies and drink from a glass of milk. What does he leave? Presents and germs. 

For those of you who are unaware, there are a number of ways that viruses that can be spread, called vectors. Then can spread through liquid, through the air, or from various hosts. The third one is the most interesting as a host can both allow the virus to spread but also give it a place for it to grow and strengthen. People can adapt to viruses, getting them and becoming immune, but if you have never encountered a specific virus before, its effects can be devastating, especially to young children. That is where santa comes in.

Getting every present to every child in one night takes a lot of time, Santa’s logistical team has to cut corners where they can. Properly cleaning your hands after each and every house simply takes to long for it to be practical, so santa doesn’t. Wearing an anti-bacterial suit would be impractical, so sants doesn’t wear one. He can go from a child in Asia to a child in North America in a matter of hours, exposing each child to viruses they never experienced. This leads to the rapid spread of disease each christmas. Worse than that: Santa also visits sick children. A child sick with the virulent plague would still be visited by Santa, thus allowing to plague to escape any quarantine or public safety measures. Children get themselves sick, they get their parents sick, they get their friends sick. Children do not have have the hygiene knowledge to know how to prevent the spreading of disease. Once one child gets sick, they all get sick. Once a child is sick, their immune system may not be developed enough to fight the forign pathogen, leading to even more severe effects. Not to mention the negative effects of exposure to chimney and coal dust. There is a reason coal miners got black lung, we don’t want coal minors to get the same. Some of the children who need presents the most, don’t have access to the medical care to treat any of these diseases. Combine all of those effects with a cold winter night and children all over the world have the potential to get incredibly sick, and our already overflowing medical systems may not be able to handle it this coming christmas.  

Why doesn’t Santa take precautionary measures? Does he know the destruction he causes? The path of tears that is left in his wake? The answer is shocking. He does. Santa sees you when your sleeping. He knows when your awake, If knows if you are sick or not so why doesn’t he change? Public image. Children finding a cheap present on christmas day in a hospital works for good PR. Could he bring more medicine? Could he bring better metter equipment or better medical insurance? Yes, but that does not help his image nearly as much. All our joly friends see is the jolly bottom line. Does he immunize his reindeer? Our research has found no evidence for him ever inoculating, immunizing, or in any way protecting his reindeer form disease. Animals are incredibly good at spreading disease to humans, so why doesn’t he care enough to properly care for their health and the negative effects of prolonged exposure to high-altitude and high-speed environments? It all comes down to the costs. It is simply to much of a cost for Santa to want to take. Hiring a vet for the north pole is expensive, and having adequate medical equipment to care for his animals, however necessary, is not cheap. 

This lack of medical care extends to his elves. To date, Santa has never partnered with any reliable/trusted medical firm to provide medical insurance for his elves, for himself, or for his wife. The lack of any sort of medical means that his elves are incentivised to cover up any evidence of sickness to avoid impossible medical bills. This leads to their sickness getting inside your children's toys, increasing the potential they get sick. A germ can go from a letter to santa, to an elf, to a present for a different child in a matter of minutes. This is an existential threat to the health of the planet. What if he uncovers a frozen sample of a virus in the north pole? That might lead to inspectors who would expose his unethical business practices and unclean hygiene standards. So what does he do? He hides it. Instead of responsibly disclosing the infection, allowing the CDC to prevent widespread infection to his elves, he tries to hide it, but he does not have experience preventing outbreaks and by all likelihood, he would fail. The world could be infected. There are a number of viruses and diseases that have been found frozen in the ice. These viruses are completely foreign, we have no experience fighting it, and our bodies are not used to its existence. We will be incredibly vulnerable to it, it will spread rapidly and infect the whole world. It could be the bubonic plague, the splanish flu, or any number of eldritch viruses older than humanity itself. It could be so weird, so utterly unknown, that it could kill us all. He does not handle this threat with care, he handles it with a ho ho ho. Because of this, Santa is a threat to our way of life. 

As we can see, Santa Claus doesn’t have the morals for good safety standards and thus he should not be in change of the important role of christmas distribution. His insistence on a single-person delivery system has caused less and less time devoted to essential functions such as hygiene, thus leading to increased infectiveness. His lack of safety extends to his sweatshop workshop, again, endangering the people of the earth and the children he claims to help. He is unfit for his position and thus, he should be removed from it.

 So, what can we do about Santa? He does not respond to formal inquiries from the CDC, and he has made himself uncontactable from anything other than letters, which he does not send formal responses for. The only reasonable solution is to kill Santa. And we, as the Huntingtonpost, have a few ideas. Only with Santa’s death will his flagrant violations of health and safety come to an end. It is believed that Santa is completely mortal, and can be killed by normal means.