3rd day of Christmas: Split the Party

By Sir Wintrust And Gerald Fitz - Published 2019-12-15

First on to my, The great Gerald Fitz’s plan, to use reindeer to kill Santa. So, Truthers, I have done some digging. According to the first website I saw: they eat “lichen”. But that is a plant, and I know reindeer thirst for the bloodiest blood. So I looked around more, to the 2nd website I saw. Thanks to this deep and thorough research, I found they can also eat lemmings. With this discovery, I laid my plan. I will bait the reindeer with the common public. I took a set of 5-8 average Americans and unboxed them in the arctic. The reindeer will smell the blood of these blind followers and approach, bringing Santa with them. I manned my cannon and waited. If Santa arrived, his reindeer would be distracted and I would be able to blow him out of the sky. If just the reindeer came, I would strap some of my backup supply of C4 onto their horns. When they return to their overweight overlord, I would blow them both the jingle bell. I laid down under sandbags, sandwich in one hand, tin foil hat in the other. I watched my bait carefully. Their screaming should have attracted something but reindeer are smart. It will take a while for them to show up, but I knew they would inevitably fall for the trap and the bait’s bindings would hold up for another hour or two. I waited in the snow for the longest of time. I blew up ice-sheets to pass the time, and I successfully stopped a crow from ending the world(You are welcome). I checked my watch, three entire minutes had passed. It was a very long day, longer than three minutes, and my eyes were starting to get burnt by space lasers, so I closed my eyes. I didn’t fall asleep- in fact- I never even heard myself snore. However, when I had woken up, time had magically passed. I assume a magical fairy had flown past and thus accelerated time around me because when I checked my watch 8 hours had passed. My bait was completely gone. The reindeer had taken the bat without triggering the trap. While I had lost this battle. The big war against father Christmas had just begun.

I, Dr. Yamok, shall write my account of the sabotage of Mr. Disease’s sleigh. I first had to locate this sleigh. I employed the assistance of Sir Wintrust to achieve this goal. Using a worm virus designed to infect Wi-Fi routers and continuously export the list of connected and nearby devices to a database located in the HuntPost server room. I had to get Sir Wintrust to set up the database because IT hates me. The virus used up all of our bandwidth and we got 3 calls from government agencies, but we were able to use the data, cross-referenced with possible projected flight paths of the germophile and narrow it down to one cell phone, of which we wrote down the MAC address. We forgot the password to the database so we kinda just have a few petabytes being used for nothing.

I took the private jet and  followed the sleigh until it landed on a runway. Santa’s sleigh was apparently a Boeing 747. I snuck onto the plane after it finished unloading what I can only assume to be people-shaped presents at the terminal. The cockpit had a lot of controls, but I could get the hang of it quickly. I changed a few settings that looked like they would do what we wanted and I left. Some of Santa’s security guards, posing as the FBI, detained me, but I had enough time to write this before I was

The entire rest of the group set their sights on the workshop. They had “borrowed” a dogsled and taken it farther inland. We headed directly south towards the pole. We knew we had reached the firmament when we saw the southern lights. We raced around at incredible speed until we found the pole. It was the south pole. It was a boring looking flagpole outside of a small log building were we stayed the night. We lit the campfire and got in the proper “end-of-christmas” spirit. We baked poisonous cookies and setup expired milk before we retired for the night. That morning, we went downstairs to our tree and found we had presents. After the bomb-defusal robot gave us the all clear we found 2 pints of gasoline and a pair of skis under the tree. The only one who didn’t get any presents was the lead editor, but his wish will come true soon. We left to go skiing around the tundra with our new skis. We traveled across the bank for a long time, mindlessly moving around in the hope we will find Santa’s workshop. We then have a stroke of genius; We will follow the north star. We quickly began to follow the star when it eventually lead us straight to a small wooden building. It resembled an abandoned barn, with boarded up windows and rotting wood. Was the ho-ho menace inside? The only way to find out was to enter