9th day of Christmas: Office Santa

By Sir Wintrust - Published 2019-12-21

We decided to head back to our office. We were beginning to lose hope in the ability to find him. The dream was in the first stages of its death, but that is when we saw a spark of hope. The entire area was coated in a blizzard, the worst ever recorded in the region. Our car could not make it any closer to our HQ, we had to move on foot. We unpacked our things and slung them on our backs. We began to trek through the snow, our vision limited to only a few feet in front of our hands. We were all constantly bracing wind chill and fighting frost off our fingertips. We all had compases, and had practice navigating blizzards when were at the south pole. After a few hours, most of us made it to the office building. It was capped in a small amount of snow and, to our absolute dismay, it was completely covered in christmas decorations. Statues of Santa and elves half-buried in the snow. Our driveway was cornered with the tops of candy-canes, and our way was lit with red and green lights that danced and tickled in the soft pure-white snow. The building was still lit and active, even as late as it was. Most of our traps had been disarmed, so we were not prepared to interrupt a delivery and eliminate the deliverer. We did not want to enter through the foyer, that is what they would expect us to do. We took our climbing gear and began to ascend. Three broken ropes later, we were on the roof, and to our shock, there was an inflatable sleigh. We did not know why santa’s sleigh was just some plastic covered in air, but we theorised it was for buoyancy. We entered the office complex, and took the stairs down to our office rooms, only using the elevator to avoid the 2nd floor. We exited on the ground floor, and we saw the christmas tree. Under it were presents, but that was only half of it. Our target was standing right under the tree. We threw the ballpoint pen, And the white bearded menace was distracted momentarily. We charged his position and tackled him. He hit the floor before the pen did. We dragged the red-coat friend of Ebola through the foyer and into the elevator. We threw him in a service closet on the third floor. We tied him to a chair near a cold, metallic table. We waited there dramatically for him to come back to consciousness. We turned on a single light that swung dramatically from a string as he began to come to. The interrogation could begin. Dr Yamok and Gerald fitz had the stage.

Dr Yamok: State your name for the record.

Gerald Fitz: State your species and planet of origin

Santa: What?

Gerald Fitz: Are you wearing a skin-suit?

Santa: What is going on?

Dr Yamok: You have been captured. You will answer our questions

Gerald Fitz: And you will answer truthfully, we are using a lie detector

Dr Yamok: First Question: How many do you have under your control, Under your ownership?

Santa: You must have me confused-

Dr Yamok: Answer the question. 

Santa: I ain’t never own nobody

Dr Yamok: How many occupants of questionable existence work for you

Santa: ….

Dr Yamok: Give us a number

Santa: zero

Dr Yamok: You deny the existence of elves?

Santa: Do you think I am actually santa?

Gerald Fitz: We will be asking the questions, Mr Clause

Santa: I am not santa.

Dr Yamok: We hold that point to contention

Santa: You hold what now?

Dr Yamok: You are Santa Clause

Santa: I am just dressed like Santa Clause, for Christmas

Gerald Fitz: LIAR! You are indeed the real Santa claus. The spreader of disease, the end of days. You are the ho-ho-homicidal maniac.

Santa: Is this a prank, One of those hidden camera shows?

Dr Yamok:This is no joke. You have been convicted of over a billion counts of home invasion annually. And thousands of miscellaneous crimes from stalking to illegal labor, illegal importation of goods and tax evasion alive could put you in jail for…

Santa: I get it, Santa is bad, ha ha, very funny. Can you untie me now?

Dr Yamok: Do you admit to the stated crimes?

Santa: I. AM. NOT. SANTA.

Dr Yamok: Our lie detector proves that that is a lie

Santa: Then your “lie detector” Is broken

Dr Yamok: Not likely. Again, do you admit to the crimes

Santa: Okay! I’ll admit! Just--

Dr Yamok: Good. We just need one more thing before we hand you in to the authorities. Where is your throne?

Santa: My what now?

Gerald Fitz: Your throne! Your center of operations! The place if destroyed will permanently put a stop to christmas!

Santa: North Pole. Preferably a few thousand miles away from me. 

Dr Yamok: Thank you for your compliance.