You Are Living In a Spreadsheet

By The Editorial Board - Published 2018-08-01

Researcher Dr. Hepler has just completed a new study of the internet testing his theories of computer emulation. What he found on various corporate servers were Microsoft© Excel™ spreadsheets full of data created by the companies. This led him and his researchers to conclude that the universe is simulated inside of an Excel ™ Spreadsheet. There was information of credit card numbers, preferences, genders, locations, past locations, everything! 

Corporate entities insisted that these documents did not in fact exist and this is fake news. However, the reader knows better. Fake news is only fake news if the president says it is fake news and therefore fake news is fake unless faked by fake news sources. We are off topic now, so let’s move on. 

We hacked into the corporate databases after following a tutorial on Youtube. After that we did end up having to pay a couple hundred thousand in damages and to bail us out of jail… If Bob asks where the payroll for the next few months went say you don’t know. Anyways, We discovered the spreadsheets and they reflected exactly what Dr. Hepler warned about. We live on spreadsheets on corporate data servers. 

What we found was tables, of tables. 6th dimensional spreadsheets otherwise only known to world leaders. We found … Microsoft Excel - Epic Edition. We navigated through the hyper dimensional spreadsheet, painfully sifting through equations, statistics, demographics, everything. The entire universe was contained in these 6th dimensional spreadsheets. We saw the very nature of the universe - the future, the past, everything. 

However, we are not at liberty to disclose the information aforementioned. Under the 102nd amendment of the U.S. Bill of Rights, “all information of hyperdimensional spreadsheets containing the universe inside them are not to be discussed over the internet on a fake news site.” We are not sure why this applies to us, but our lawyer says we should "observe the law". So yea, we didn’t make that up. Dr. Hepler also disappeared. 

Uh oh. Where did Tim go? Why is everybody disappearing? Whoa! Fred! Uhh… I am all alone. I am scared. The entire editorial board is gone. The lights are out, the air conditioning just flung back 20 degrees, I am hearing poor recordings of zombies from the movies… help! Oh, it was just Dr. Hepler. Man, I was so scared fdasjinojlfad fasif dfd 

This is Dr. Hepler. I have eliminated the Huntington Post editorial board. Now the company is ours. We will bend history and knowledge to our will, just like the Illuminati. Our news will control the world. Who controls the news controls the past. Who controls the past controls the future. We are the new editorial board. We are… 

This is the Chief editor. Sorry about that, I just took out Dr. Hepler. Do not let anyone tell you that metal folding chairs are useless. Anyway, he is going to not remember his name by morning. Do not worry, the past, present, and future are in our capable, experienced hands.