A message to all epic gam3rs

By Gerald Fitz - Published 2019-12-26

Hello fellow gamers! I need to tell you about a problem much worse than Bowser or Gannondorf, People not being outside. If you want to be cool and get that epic victory royal, spend time outside. Being outside and not enslaved to their devilish, satanic glowing phone-boxes that have you hooked like a drug, you can also enjoy the birds, and the trees and the grass, and no, my epic gamers, that is not an app! It's the real world! With real people, with real emotions, They are better than all of Fortnight-ers. So pokemon-go outside! There is the largest Open world game ever out there! Did you know? The real world has more blocks than minecraft? And way more real, living people you degenerate scum! The reason why our world sucks is all because of you, my fellow gamers! We stay inside playing violent video games instead of the age old traditions of staying inside watching violent television, staying inside reading violent books, watching violent art, and stoning people to death. By playing the fortnitte, you are stepping on our pure American values of obedience and submission. So my fortnite bro’s, let's be droppin’ into your local park, and stop being a useless scar on our society. You should meet real friends, remember: A stranger in a park is more of a real friend than someone who you have known for years and watched grow as a person who you have never seen face-to-face! It is impossible to form long, lasting and valuable friendships without having visual contact with the person, you ignorant and lazy moron. 

If you want to get that “l33t” “W” you gotta start giving us more money! For all of your avocado toast and kale consumption you people don’t fall for normal advertising campaigns! So please, continue giving us more money. I am not saying we should stop the devil-worship that is video games, I am just saying that you should start acting like good little consumers and stop caring about our environmental practices.  Is that so much to do for you elders? You are always protesting the problems we caused and you hate it when we go to war with some random country you can’t even pronounce. It goes against what me and my friends  America stands for. Going to war randomly is American tradition, and by not conforming to what I expect of you heathens you are breaking tradition that is sacred to me! We did it in the past so it must be good! Stop pushing change and improvement you stagnant idiots. You just need to shut up and work harder. I was able to by own nuclear bunker at the age of 5. I had to work 3 jobs to support my family of antimagic squirrels. And you, my fellow gamers, are too lazy to even get one job. I cannot see any difference between when I was working and now. You are weak, not having to go through the hardships that I have grown a random nostalgia for. I cannot possibly fathom any reason why, without the problems I had, you are sad and struggling. 

 You may think that people have complained before. That even the oldest of philosophers complained about generations under them being too addicted to paper to learn the slate. You may think that every generational advance, from books, to radio, to movies, to television, to comic books have been thought of as evil distractions that warp the minds of men. You may say that every generation did stupid things, and even now older Gen-Z kids make fun of younger gen-Z kids for fortnight and their fads. You may think that each generation gets stuck in their ways, and when change comes it is frightening. Humans are stupporn creatures, and if you do not grow up with the new technology, it can look as frightening. You may think that people should not care about what others are doing, as long as they are not hurting other people. You may support the scientific consensus in saying that Video games are fine, and are no worse than reading a violent book or watching a violent movie. If you think this you are wrong and are disrespecting me. Respect your elders, your insolent swine. 

So here is my message, my 5 cents, To my minecrafters, my incredibly violent people, my fortnight-gamers, my flossers and my gamers please, just sorta, stop. Stop enjoying yourself. Become more miserable.