A new teen trend will shock you!
By Gerald Fitz - Published 2018-09-23
We at the Huntington post have found a new threat to nature, life and existence itself and it is hiding in your pantry. Teens, Juvenile delinquents and a shocking number of well educated adults are doing it. This grave threat: Pineapple pizza. This is an abomination, a satanic communistic massacre of all that is good, holy, righteous and american.
Pineapple pizza is when people put pineapple on pizza.If this seems like a crazy concept, that is because it is. People added the most devilish of fruits: the pineapple, to the most wholesome of food: the pizza. All pizza (except for the lolly-pop infested pizzas, the Illuminati brainwashed pizzas, the alien probed pizzas, the roundearther’s pizzas and the Freemason poisoned pizzas) is a sacred object: A magical object to be worshiped and respected. However pineapples were created by satanic new-world-order witches in an attempt to desecrate western society. What kind of monster would put these together?
Some people have claimed "What's so wrong with eating pineapple pizza" or "I ate pineapple pizza and I turned out okay" or "I think you don't have sources for what you say" or "Please let me out, I swear I didn't eat pineapple pizza". All of these are nonsense and should simply be ignored. Anyone who says such claims is to be sent back to the dungeons. However, if you do need a response for whatever reason, here are some of the medically proven-ish problems associated with Pineapple pizza. One, Everyone who has even eaten pineapple pizza has either died or will eventually die. Two, Everyone who has ever eaten pineapple pizza has gained weight as a direct result of the monstrosity. Three, It contains L-ascorbic acid, An acid. This Toxin can kill you with the wrong dosage, or at-least give you terrible side effects such as digestive distress and kidney stones. Four, Presidents such as Guðni Jóhannesson of Iceland has spoken out against this monstrosity. Guðni has probably made the entire familial line of Jóhannessons proud!(Weirdly Wikipedia says that Jóhannessons is an Icelandic name and therefore doesn't follow American last-name inheritance, but as Iceland doesn't exist this is wrong and therefore void). Lastly, I don't like it; So its bad.
Pineapple pizza was officially invented by Sam Panopoulos in 1962. But this is obviously false and unrealistic (Just like the moon landing). No-one in their right minds would make pineapple pizza, therefor the most rational conclusion is that zombie Ernest Rutherford used his mind powers to boil a pasta noodle in just the right way to force Sam Panopoulos to create the horrific dish.
What is the most rational and reasonable way to fight this menace. Do not worry, the answer is simple and rational: Burn all bird feeders by pointing pie tins at them until they ignite. This is so rational that I do not feel the need to explain how this works or how in the world it will help.
