A Whirlwind Heist

By Sir Wintrust - Published 2019-11-15

Time hast come around to when we need more money and Bob has to take the blame. That is where I come in. I, Sir Wintrust, am organizing a heist, and I will update this article as it progresses.

First, I need a team. Dr. Yamok. Gerald Fitz. Dr. Heplar. Ezeikial Bighat. I need the best of the best.

“Dr. Yamok. Are you aware of the current financial situation?”

“Yes. I am also aware you are not in financial.”

“I am also aware of that. We need the payroll.”

“Again?” Dr. Yamok asked.

“Yes. This time I am on the case, and I need a team. Where are your loyalties? To Bob, or the Lead Editor?”

“What kind of a question is that? The lead Editor. They never lose the payroll.”

“Then you are with me. Meet in my office at 3:30. I will go recruit more people”

Okay, we got Dr. Yamok. Now, we should try to get Gerald Fitz.

I found him quickly berating Dr. Heinbrow about his inclusion of narwhals in “A brilliant Study”.

“Hey, Gerald Fitz (Arizonan Writer)!”

“Will you fight with me against the narwhals?”

“Later. I need you to help me stop an Illuminati plot to protect the Post’s payroll. We cannot have it.”

“Dr. Heinbrow thinks he can convince me he does not have a squirrel in his head!”

“What?”

Gerald Fitz shouted into the distance: “You are an Illuminati tool, Heinbrow!”

“Will you join me?”

“On your glorious heist to steal the payroll so the trees cannot send the pigeon people to destroy the world as we know it?”

“Uhh, sure!”

“Count me in.”

Gerald Fitz has joined our team.

Heplar will be especially hard to recruit. He always hides away in his lab that no one knows about that everyone knows about. The trick is to enter it in a way that makes it look like you do not think it is a lab.

Nevermind that. He just walked out.

“Dr. Heplar!”

He glanced over, “I don’t have time, nor do I have some dude named Steve’s left arm.”

“I know. I require your… expertise in the lead editor’s heist”

“As always. What’s in it for me?”

“As always, your research grants.”

“As always, I accept”

“As always, glad to have you on board”

“Last month you dreaded having me on the team”

“Look, Mouin got me in a bad mood, all right?”

Dr. Heplar has joined our heist. Now, Ezeikial Bighat should be here any moment. Wait, a loud whirring sound, various winds throughout the office. Yep, here he is. He walked out of his office.

“Ain’t dat Washington couldn’t’ve done better?”

The lead editor welcomed him back into the office.

I shouted over to him: “Hey, Mr Bighat?”

“Yeh, partner?”

“How many robberies have you witnessed?”

“Why, I just about ‘ink tis around ‘bout 12 point 7. Why does you ask?”

“Ever wanted to be on a heist?”

“Why, yessiree. Who’s gotta take da blame fo’ losin’dat payroll dis time?”

“It’s Bob. It is always Bob from accounting”

“And dem o’der three?”

I responded, “You know, you’re right. We do have a lot of people named Bob here.”

“Ye’ got dat right. When de we start?”

“Meet me later. I have some business to attend to, first.”

“Giddy Up, partner!”

We met in my office at 3:30 A.M. Everyone was there already. Except Dr. Yamok. For some crazy reason he thought I meant P.M. We all sent him phone calls at random intervals. He got here 12 minutes later.

I layed out the blueprints for the building. All of them.

Dr. Heplar inquired, “Now, where is the security, Sir Wintrust?”

I exclaimed, “I am getting there!”.

I took the pen and started scribbling and doodling about the blueprints. Somehow it became the security because I am magical. No, I didn't exaggerate that a bit. No way no how.

So, I finished the long and precise process of drawing out the security layout with everyone correcting me every few seconds.

“Ok here is the plan” Dr. Yamok Started.

“No no no. I am organizing the heist.” I quickly interrupted before he started talking about his plan to raid the military buildings of West Korea.

I layed out the blueprints that I drew up four minutes earlier. It outlined all of the HP’s security.

“Okay,” I started, “There is a locked door… here” I pointed to the blueprints, “Yamok, that is your job. Get it open. Gerald Fitz (Arizonian Writer), once the door is open, you need to run in, and you need to drag Bob around on one of your ‘Burning Sprees’-”

Gerald Fitz interrupted, “Those narwhales won’t even know what hit them!”

“Uhh, kay” I responded, very confused, “So, Mr. Bighat, I need you and your sombrero to get the codes to the safe. The most recent ones, not like last time when you got the first codes.”

“Aye, partner!” He responded.

“And I?” inquired Dr. Heplar Inquired.

I responded reluctantly, “One moment. There are people more important than you.”

I continued. “I will place the payroll into this black suitcase that I do not have yet but I will get from the people who manufacture cargo ships. They make some high quality stuff. I get my groceries from there. Ok. Everyone’s got their job-”

“Hey! I need a job or the Lead Editor won’t give me my research grants!”

“Oh, uh, let me see,” I thought about what he would do. “Ah, you have THE most important job. Sanitation!”

“What did you just say?” He yelled, quite intimidatingly, might I add.

“I meant- uh, you are the mechanics person! Yea! You make the stuff

that makes everything work, and you make the contingencies for if the plan, well, does not go to plan.”

“There we go.” He responded.

“Ok, if that’s all, we start tonight at 5. I will watch for unexpected changes or guests. Yamok, you practice picking locks. Arizonian Writer, you scout for things to burn. Bighat, you go through time and space if you must to find those codes. And, Heplar, you make the machinery.” I recounted, “Let’s get to work!”

We got in 2 hours late to work, all of us. Something about some madman making a portion of the staff show up early.

I first went on to check on Dr. Yamok. He was using one hand to steal Backspace keys and the other to pick locks. All of the locks. How many oranges does Mouin keep in his locker?

Gerald Fitz was doing his normal thing of bothering random members about various conspiracy theories. And burning the carpet.

Ezeikial Bighat was looking everywhere and triple checking every keycode he could find. I am genuinely worried for our electrical bill.

Dr. Heplar was mixing chemicals, soldering various bits of metal together, the works.

I started my reconnaissance. I made sure to note everyone’s whereabouts, everything that changed. If someone moved their dumb cactus 2 inches, I knew about it. If a fish swam more than 3 miles in any given minute, I knew about it. If anyone showed up late to work, I knew about it.

So, I might have gone a bit overboard. I just ran out of hard drive space, and it is mostly Dr. Heinbrow’s keystrokes…

And later that day, we gathered at my office.

“Okay. We got all our tools, thanks to Dr. Heplar-“ I began.

“Yea, tools, we have those, there in this box” Dr. Heplar patted a large box next to him.

“You must be awful strong to carry a all the tools like that, with one hand” I said in response to him leisurely carrying a box that must weigh 75 pounds

“I also got a whole bunch of micro drones.” He responded.

We all look at him… “Seems believable” We then move onto the actual heist.

Everyone crammed into our van, We asked heplar to bring a disguise; The van was disguised to be an automobile. We had the engine muffler removed and then stealthily drove to the entrance gate, There we met a fully-armed guard

“Papers, please”

“Here you go” We handed him a stack of papers.

“Uhh, these are out of date”

“We could not come until now” We saw this situation was starting to go downhill. Luckily Dr Heplar found a perfect way to defuse the situation; Our truck ramms the door. The guard quickly fondled through some keys and tried to get a dart rifle. He was too slow. When we scrambled out into the main floor of the building. All that was left to do was to dig though the ground into the vault

“Dr Heplar, Bring me the drill” I turn to him

“Are you sure we really need it, I mean we can dig through 30ft of solid concrete with our hands”

“We are not dealing with wet cement.”

“I know, we can use… Plastic spoons from the cafeteria”

“One: The cafeteria is on the other side of the building, Two: The place is crawling with turrets, Three: They serve only sandwiches and therefore have no spoons.”

“Brilliant deduction!” Dr. Yamok exclaimed.

“Elementary, my dear Yamok.”

“Maybe we can try the breakroom?” Dr Heplar Inquires

“The one next to the vault? Where we need to dig to? Come on just take out the drill!”

“About that...”

Ezekiel bighat quickly interrupted, “Get ‘dem drillers out or Ah will make ye knee-high in floor!”

Everyone just stares at Dr. Heplar: blank-faced. It was as if they saw someone woefully not do some very very basic thing that they were told to do.

“What are you saying Heplar?”

“I am saying ‘About that’, can you not hear?”

Gerald fitz runs over to the box,kicking it over. His entire body ready to do battle in the unlikely scenario that somehow a plumber was inside of the box.

“Do we at least have the stuff for Gerald Fitz’s burning spree”

“Nope” Dr. Heplar said.

“Eh. He always finds a way” Yamok stated, “Have you gotten a list of things to burn?”

“Ceramics! Ceiling Fan! Water! Fire! The Lead Editor’s new Iphone!”

“Wait, how will you burn the fire?” I say; Gerald Fitz just gives me a smile.

“What was the plan again?” Heplar stated in a sign of utter ignorance

“We dig to the vault, Yamok opens the locks, then when bob is distracted by Gerald Fitz’s... hobby- Mr. Bighat punches in the lock combinations, we steal the payroll”

“Is it really necessary to drill?”

“We can just take the elevator instead” said Dr. Heplar absentmindedly.

“Why would we want to drill if there is the option to use an elevator”

“Because one has to be cautious when dealing with elevators, they are tricky monsters that will want to steal your pickles and replace them with cabbage, they are monstrosities that will use bricks and, even worse, orange juice to try and hurt you! Plus they are an illuminati conspiracy” Gerald Fitz pointed out.

“And the elevator goes past the second floor.” Dr. Yamok stated.

“What’s on the second floor?” I inquired.

“Well, you remember the thing, with the guy, at the place?”

It wasn't worth my time. We continued.

The elevator opened. We didn't even know we were in it. Oh well.

Dr. Yamok started working on the lock, while Gerald Fitz started working himself up for the various item arson. Ezekiel Bighat sifted through his notes on the different key codes, as well as a couple tidbits of info we thought were lost to time.

The door creaked open. I whispered, “Fitz, your up!”.

Gerald Fitz immediately started running and yelling into the accounting office. “The carpets are trying to eat us! Come, Bob!” “I’m busy- Hey!” Gerald Fitz started dragging Bob by his ankles out of the office. The fire alarm soon went off, the game was afoot.

“The game is a what?” Dr. Heplar questioned.

“Afoot. Like, the game is on. Oh, no I did not mean like- never mind.”

I walked through the opening. It was time to get the vault ajar-

“Really!” Dr. Heplar said firmly, “Stop calling things things that they are not!”

“Heplar?”

“Yes?”

“I hate you.”

We started looking around. The vault had to be around here somewhere. We had not been in there for some time, and apparently none of us could remember where. Not even Mr. Bighat, and he could remember specifics from 50 years ago.

“It is not here!” Dr. Yamok exclaimed.

“Indeed” I replied.

The vault had been moved. I had to think. Gerald Fitz did not have infinite… whatever he uses. There had to be more possibilities. Hmm.

“Okay. There are 3 possibilities of where the vault could be. One: Under the Lead Editor’s Office’s Floorboards.Two: it is in the janitor’s closet. Three: it is in Dr. Heinbrows inbox.”

They stared at me blankly.

“We are going to check the Lead Editor’s Office first.” I clarified.

We ventured through the winding halls to the Lead Editor’s office. It had a large, heavy, un-ornate particle board door. It creaked open. The only light on was on the desk on the middle of the room, pointing at a handwritten stack of papers. “What do we have here?” Dr. Heplar inquired. “Uhh, it’s the ‘Quarterly Report’. Says here that we were supposed to tell the stockholders what we paid for.”

“Ohh, problem…” Dr. Yamok interjected, “Bob is one of the Stockholders. If this is published, he will know where the payroll went.”

“I’m sure the Lead Editor has a plan,” I reassured them, “However, we must get these floorboards up!”

I opened up a cabinet in the Lead Editor’s desk and took out three crowbars. “The Lead Editor takes no chances”, I stated, as I tossed them the crowbars, “Let’s get to work!”

“We are at work-” Dr. Heplar started.

“Start digging!”

It was true- the Lead Editor was always prepared. There were crowbars, knives, all the parts for a cannon, the lot.

We took to the floor and started shoveling out nails and tearing up boards. We were about 10% of the way done when…

“What in the name of- What are you doing‽”

I stuttered, “Uhh, I- I- I can explain…”

Dr. Yamok looked up, holding a snapped 2 by four in his left hand, “This is the next most likely spot the safe could be!”

The Lead editor looked over us, “Sir Wintrust has full knowledge of my security systems, and he knows that this is the last place Bob would put the payroll.”

Dr. Helplar lifted a small box from under the floor. “I don’t think this is it-” I snatched it out of his hands. “My kazoo!”

Ezekiel Bighat turned red, “Ye pulled us in ‘ere so ye can git yer kazoo?”

The lead editor looked condescending. “Sir Wintrust, if you wish to keep your job, you will one: Never ever play that kazoo. Two: Get the darn payroll before sunrise.”

“Yessir”.

We walked out as the lead editor went to work on the article on the desk.

“So, the payroll was not there. Next, we ought to check the-”

“Wait wait wait wait,” Dr. Heplar started. Ezeikial Bighat followed, “How ‘er we ‘sposed te know dat ye isn’t pullin us into anot’er wild goose chase?”

“My kazoo is-” I started, but was interrupted by Dr. Yamok grabbing my kazoo and ran down the hall with it. I ran after him, and the others followed suit. The hall started getting warmer and warmer, and brighter and brighter. We took another corner, and Dr. Yamok kicked the kazoo into the fire that Gerald Fitz had left in his wake.

“Murderer” I muttered.

We arrived at the Janitor’s closet, the next place for the payroll.

Dr. Yamok looked over at me, “Promise this doesn't contain an object of some value to you?”

“Promise.”

Ezeikial Bighat said to us in a quiet voice, “How long have we been at dis? I think I’m gettin a bit loopy…”

The thin door swung open. The room was barren of human life, but oh! The smell!

It looked very institutional, metallic. The floor was of concrete, covered in a thin layer of water dripping from a small hole in the wall. A single light hung from the ceiling, swaying from side to side. There was a cheap wood mop leaning on a metal rack with various cleaning supplies on it.

Dr. Heplar took a quick look around. “Well, it’s not here.”

“Wait-” I said, “I’ve got an idea. Do you see any sulfuric acid on the shelf?”

“Uhh, here it is” Dr. Yamok handed me a bottle. I poured some on the end of the wooden mop. The wood dissolved a couple centimeters. I stuck it into the hole, and we heard a click. The concrete wall drew to the left. A thin light shone through. The door finished opening.

It was the Lead Editor’s office. “Welcome back”, the lead editor said over their shoulder. We just stood there blank faced.

“Uhh, how?” Dr. Heplar began. For a brief moment out of the window on the Lead Editor’s door, you could see Gerald Fitz running down the hall lighting the evil things on fire.

“We walked across the building,” Dr. Yamok continued for Heplar, “And we are here again‽”

“You are trying to apply logic to the universe. I see where you went wrong,” the Lead Editor stated.

“Then-”

“As long as you do not question it, everything will be fine.”

“Kay…”

We left the Lead Editor’s office once again. The floor was still a disaster. We were soon on our way to Dr. Heinbrow’s office. The papers per square meter on the floor got denser and denser. Then, we entered the office of Heinbrow.

“It’s…” Dr. Yamok started. Ezeikial Bighat finished his sentence, “Spotless. It heah is darn spotless”. The room must have been 200 square feet, and there was nothing but a folding chair and a thin table in the middle. The room was barely lit, and the walls and floor was a mix of gray and blue. There was a thin stack of paper on the table, with an old fashioned fountain pen.

“He writes his warehouses here‽” Dr. Heplar yelled. It was quite puzzling how the master of overachieving his overachieving had a room so barren, so empty. Nonetheless, the payroll was not there.

We walked out through the forest of papers, which were now burning. We weezed and coughed the entire way out.

Do, where could it be? We were tasked with stealing the payroll. We had to get it.

“Okay,” I started, “we are going to find the payroll. We must split up. Dr. Yamok, you check the Science Division. Dr. Heplar, you check the other offices. Ezeikial Bighat, you go check out where it has been. I’ll track down Gerald Fitz and get him back with us. By now Bob must be trapped.”

Ezeikial Bighat spoke up, “Maybe this is it?” He pushed a button on the wall outside Accounting. The wall rotated to show us a bookshelf. “I don’t think this is it.” I stated. Ezeikial Bighat sighed, then pulled a book off the shelf. The wall rotated again, and there was the vault.

“How-” Heplar started. I shouted, “You’re brilliant!”

I took out my suitcase and opened it up. Mr. Bighat pulled off the locks and entered keycodes, Dr. Heplar covered up the security cameras, while Dr. Yamok looked out for unexpected company. The vault swing open, and there was the payroll, in all its glory. And Bob. How the heck did Bob get in there?

Bob looked at us, fire in his eyes. “You are NOT taking the payroll! Not today!” Gerald Fitz came running down the hall. “I burned everything with a panda on it!”

“Oh god. My monitor had a panda on it.” I exclaimed. “Yea, and I cleansed it! You are now free of the electrical outlet’s mind control over the Chemtrail posters!” Gerald Fitz looked proud of himself.

“You were supposed to keep Bob busy!”

“And I did!”

“Then why is he here?”

“Maybe I didn't!”

“Stop perpetuating this fake news.”

We had to get Bob out of the vault. That was our first priority. I won’t go into too much detail here, but 12 minutes later he was duct taped to the opposite wall. It is time for me to take the payroll.

I started shoveling hundred dollar bills into my suitcase. We were in and out.

The next morning, we were called to the Lead Editor’s office. We passed Bob, who for some reason was duct taped to the wall, his screaming muffled. We opened the door.

There’s a repair crew on the floor, placing wooden planks. The lead editor lifted their head. “How’d it go?”

We looked at each other and smiled. I spoke, “If Bob asks where the payroll went, say you don’t know.”