Banning magic in the office
By the Editorial Board - Published 2019-04-19
I was in my small, cramped, corner office looking out of its only 25ft windows when I thought about the role magic plays in an office. I mean, I personally do not cast spells, but some people in our office still do. And I thought, should magic be banned?
Now, magic has always been a normal part of office politics, but a new political group-Parents against magic- Is calling for the banning of magic in all commercial settings. We talk to the founder of parents against magic, Diana Korth, for an interview.
“It’s just wrong. According to the PewPew! research centre, each magical ‘pew’ has a 50% chance of being wild! I care about our children, and our future, so I want to ensure a safe and fair workplace where arcana cannot cause more harm to society.”
This decision is not a universal one, with many pro-magic advocates stating their position that magic is perfectly safe when done correctly. Joseph Cardigan, Professor of dark arts at Bartholomews magical academy, says
“Countless studies have shown there is no connection between magical use and the claimed negative side effects”. He continued, saying “There is no link between magic and cancer, nor any link between magic and autism. The scientific consensus is clear”.
While this may be true, the debate still rages as to what to do about magic. Currently, it is banned at the state level, but legal at the federal level. This uncomfortable arrangement can lead to difficulty in prosecution, As Alabama sheriff Donald Macker attests
“Thanks to the politicians, I legally have to both arrest offenders, as of state law, but federally, they have done nothing wrong. This weird legal state has made prosecution nearly impossible. Whether illegal or legal, the government needs to decide.”
This position, that the government needs to decide, is shared across the nation, However the political debate is intense. Puerto Rican Senator, Ethan Porter, saying
“We need to make a stand. We are the party that opposes magic. Evidence has nothing to do with it. We hate magic, We believe it is a detrimental destroyer of our society, and we will not change our minds. ” He goes on to say “The science isn’t as out as the other party thinks it is. The studies I have clearly show magic is bad. They must be terrible, science and America hating people who should not be even put on the ballot”
Representative of Guam, however, disagrees. His belief, and the belief of many others, is that it’s not about the magic, it’s about individual rights and liberties. He released an official statement, saying “Magic is a fundamental right as a human being, The founding fathers would cast spells when designing the lovely, completely perfect, United States. It is a fundamental expression, I cannot possible see why anyone should take it away other than they are terrible people who you shouldn’t vote for”
The current debate is a deeply partisan issue. Currently the house is split with 217.5 supporting magical limitation and 217.5 not. Currently constituents are calling out to their senators and representatives to stop the bickering and actually compromise, but Congresswoman Sasha Teal released a statement saying
“We cannot compromise! We must win! Compromising would be losing! Magic is out of control in the country, it is a crisis that is affecting the world and corrupting our youth. The only logical option is to, at the very least, censor when and what magic is used. Even if magic is only banned for, like, five minutes. And only summoning drunk Australian spiders is banned for those five minutes. Even if that was it we would still win help our nation and it will help us get re-elected on the right path to a bright, magic-free future”
The constituents did not like this, and at a town hall a heckeler threw a magical kangaroo at the congresswoman, before having to be carried out by security. The attitudes of Sasha Teal, that only victory is acceptable, is shared across the aisle, with 23 year old Congressman John Gout adding “Magic is a key element of daily life for many Americans. Those anti-magic’ers want to ban all magic, completely and utterly. We are willing to compromise(because we are so great), but they are just so stubborn.”
John Gout was attempting to pass a federal amendment requiring states to obey federal laws allowing magic, completely and utterly. This completely nonpartisan bill would see the non-magic people get, something probably while the magic people get full governmental agreement. John Gout would say that “[my] bill is a perfectly fair compromise, that is the only possible deal. If they do not accept it, that is their fault. We are the perfect political party, and we stand for everything the working people want. If the bill fails, it is their being terrible not supporting the people that caused it to fail.”
The bill passed the senate, than it was accidentally mailed to british parliament, where it also passed with 23 “Ayes”, then it went to the house of lords, which then some nonsense happened and suddenly the bill landed back in the house of representatives, who voted down the bill saying “We are very tired, we work almost every other day and we only get paid $174,000 per year on average. We simply can’t right now. Try again next week”
2 Weeks later, when the house of representatives woke up again, reporters were quick to ask each party about their thoughts on the possibility of a bipartisan solution. The anti-magic part added a new message to their website which, among other things, said “We are getting the magic ban, It might not be a full-time ban, it might not be an all magic ban. But we are keeping our campaign promises, were are getting a magic ban….”
In response, many of the supporters of magic flooded their website with letters, to the point that the website went down for 2 hours that night. However, the American anti-magic advocacy group (AAMA) said that “It was not genuine, were were swarmed with bots. All of the coverage that says people want magic, is wrong, biased, coverage”.
That debate rages on, and it is not likely to end soon. What each side wants is completely incompatible. The only bill likely to bring compromise was shot down by both sides. “It was outrageous. We cannot give up as much as we did just to ban magic. It must be a complete and utter magical ban. Anything else is not an option” Said Diana Korth of Parents against magic(P.A.M.). Very upset voter, and random guy on the street, uh, greg(maybe) said “It’s a no-win situation. Either no-magic is happy, or magic is happy. Honestly I don’t care do you want your hotdog or not”. In any event. The debate is not go to end anytime soon. Unlike this hotdog. Yum!
