Coats make you Colder

By The Editorial Board - Published 2018-08-01

Studies show that many people get extremely cold while wearing coats. Dr. Yamok and Gerald Fitz joined us for this article. We asked Gerald Fitz on the subject. “I think it is the illuminati, Almost everyone is in the illuminati, and almost everyone has a coat, the coats must have something to do with the illuminati“ Mr. Fitz replied. We quickly targeted the question to Dr. Yamok. “I think it is the illuminati, too.” We quickly showed them the door. They said it was very nice… 

Studies show that many people get extremely cold while wearing coats. Dr. Heinbrow joined us for this article. We asked Dr. Heinbrow on the subject. “Although it is quite likely that the Illuminati, as it says in Book 3 Chapter 62 section 8.35623.9 Subsection 42 Paragraph 3 Sentence 6 Subparagraph 76 Page 4096 the second footnote of “A Brilliant Study - Extended” Revised Ninth edition, ‘The illuminati might not be to blame for coats being the cause of cold weather’”. Dr. Heinbrow went on to explain the implications of coats made to make people cold. 

We had our science team investigate a dozen coats. After a couple hours, they were compiling the results. We tried to interview them, but they said some things that we couldn't put in an Internet article. After another 30 minutes of pestering, they got their results in. “We have done many different kinds of tests,” said Lead Researcher Dr. James, “And they were destroyed in the process. However, we got interesting details”. We asked him to stop doing his usual stopping randomly. He continued, “Apparently coats are actually built to take in heat and store it, not give it to the wearer. We have coats that steal heat from us!” 

We were absolutely stunned at this information. These thieving coats were stealing ludicrous amounts of heat from us! The Huntington Science Division also conducted a real-world study. Although many of the participants said the entire thing was “Blasphemy”, the team recorded very interesting data. Everybody who was wearing a coat was cold! This undeniable correlation just goes to prove that our coat overlords are pillaging considerable amounts of heat from our feeble bodies. 

The research team also studied different kinds of coats. Coats of snow, fur coats, etc. What they found was all these different coats all did the same thing: trap heat. These selfish belongings should learn better. Even fur coats on bears, dogs, etc. were meant to trap heat to keep itself warm. And the worst part: manufacturers realize coats put users in jeopardy! They barter them as placebos! All in the name for your riches. 

With this realization we go to a random person on the street; “God! Why are you back!?!?!?!” “So bob, that is your name right?” “I'm not even going to try to correct you, what insanity have you cooked up today?” “It’s not insane, Coats are stealing heat from you and make you cold!” “I am leaving” He stepped into a taxi which sped off into the distance. We take this to mean that coats are indeed stealing heat in every way. 

Coats are alarmingly perilous. As you can see, coats participate in heat theft on a regular basis. Nobody who wears a coat is ever actually warm. Even coats that grow on animals such as bears are treacherous. You must keep yourself warm, and brave the winter storms without the company of a thieving coat.