Construction Company Moves Restrooms
By the Editorial Board - Published 2018-08-01
BREAKING NEWS: Workers use restrooms too often. Construction company makes them slightly less accessible
We watched a rare sight as we saw a crane lift the restrooms into the air. We interviewed the foreman on the occasion.
“What is going on here?” We asked.
“We are lifting the porta-potties into the sky.” The foreman replied.
“Well, no kidding. Why, though?”
“Well, our workers were using them too much.”
“So you lifted them into the sky?”
“It reduced the amount of bathroom breaks drastically.”
“But that is dangerous!” Tim yelled.
“So is building a skyscraper in a thin atmosphere.”
“So, are you sure there is not a better solution?”
“Positive” the foreman replied.
“So, you can’t just have less restrooms?”
Just then, a large and quite loud truck went by, and we didn’t hear what he said, but it resembled a couple words that we wouldn’t be allowed to put on here. We turned to our elite science team to figure out why one would lift restrooms into the sky. They came up with several theories:
- Flying Space Monkeys
- Zombie Ants
- International Space Station
- International Space Toilet
- Because the workers use them too often.
Our colleague, Gerald Fitz (Arizonian Writer) , thought that the the first two were probably right, He doesn’t believe in space so 3 and 4 are not possible, and 5 is just absurd. With his input and various peer review with various pears, they decided that they needed to lift the toilets into the sky because zombie ants were getting into them because workers used them too often, and the space monkeys needed an international space toilet and make the International Space Station a bit more weird. This is the best theory we have heard, and we accept it without even examining their research because it is just so brilliant.
However, there is still one mystery: Why is the crane painted orange? It is not like it makes it any more visible, and besides, we have too many orange things, especially in Florida. There are simply too much orange things for a crane to be orange, so, where did they steal all their orange paint?
We asked a worker to comment. “I think I left my cell phone up there”.
We asked a different worker to comment. “They stole all the orange trees, and secretly replaced their fruits with apples. Now, they have a bunch of oranges, and they scrape the orange paint off of then and plaster it on the crane.”
Our forensic team is yet to find a motive for the clear orange abduction. They say that the oranges were kidnapped in a car. A large car. Almost the size of a small automobile. They traced it back to the farmer. He is currently being held for questioning in our board room. We then realized there was one person we had not accused. We went to confront the foreman.
“Yes, I have suspected the CEO to be a fruit kidnapper for years now. I completely agree with you” the foreman said. We knew we had our culprit: Tim on the Elite science team. He had to know where the oranges were.
We chased down- dtrfghjkm...
So, the rest of the article was deleted by Tim. We recovered as much as we could. We had this huge chase where the foreman and tim were working together, then the flying space monkeys flew down on huge asteroids and destroyed the earth. So here we are. Sorry. -The Lead Editor
Oh, but it is not over yet. Twas all a ruse, by I, Dr. Heplar. I stole the oranges and painted the crane orange. I am the one who flung toilets into the sky. I AM THE ONE WHO MADE MONKEYS FALL FROM THE SKY. I AM DR. HEPLAR.
There is now a large hole in the side of the building. Some dude crashed through the wall and kicked Dr. Heplar through 6 layers of concrete. We are not even sure how he got in - we see large amounts of gravitons around the area, none large enough to make a gravitational singularity or any rips in space and time. There is also no chance that the universe will collapse in on itself within the next 20. So, thanks for reading. -Tim
