Covid19 Greetings!
By The Editorial Staff - Published 2020-08-21
Hello Readers, we at the Huntington Post have had to make accommodations to the office space to ensure the safety of our writers. Here is how everyone at the office is adjusting
For those who have just woken up from a 13 year coma who need to see their family again and don't understand the prohibition against hugs, the Novel Coronavirus, or COVID-19, is a virus that is ruining everything. This global apocalypse has effected all aspects of life. We have the HPSD (henceforth known as Huntington Post Science Department) working around the block on how to fix this situation. This situation has so far survived: hammers, screwdrivers, reckless drinking, and drill presses. But fret not! The Huntington Post Science Department is running up and down the street looking for a cure.
For the duration of the CoronaVirus, we have asked all our non-essential employees to not leave the building. We have enforced magnetic locks on all of the exits, including the ones with weird sirens. We want everyone to be safe, that is why everyone is now locked inside. We are making sure our employees are well looked after by hiring an iffy therapist and catering paper from the printers.
Dr Heinbrow is doing his articles virtually. At the very least, noone has seen him in days. When asked over email, there was a 32 petabyte dissertation. We have no idea how that worked, but either way no one's going to read it, in fact, nobody is going to try. We are bored, but not that bored
Dr Yamok goes into the office. He carries a 7ft long stick. The first intern to get close to violating the social distancing guideline quickly found the importance of maintaining proper social distance. All of our cubicles were spaced out, with tape demarking how to form orderly socially-distorted lines to harass the other writers over using the wrong version of "there" in they're articles.
We first didn't recognize Gerald Fitz. He was wearing a full body hazmat suit. We could only recognize him because he was attempting to disinfect a stick of dynamite. He coated his desk in acid, disinfectant, stronger acid, then more disinfectant, before deciding that either way it isn't safe enough causing him to destroy his desk. We all sorta expected Gerald Fitz to not take the end of the word well, but his over preparedness really caught us off guard. Who just has a Hazmat suit just lying around? He had enough non perishables to last years, and enough toilet paper to last twice as long.
Tim was also social distancing, but everyone was keeping 6ft feet away from him before the lockdown, because no one likes tim.
We from the Huntington Post hope that everyone is staying home, wearing masks, social distancing and overall making sure we have a safe quarantime.
