Hand Soap is an Illuminati Conspiracy
By Dr. Yamok and Dr. Heinbrow - Published 2018-08-01
Hand soap by itself is very suspicious - being distributed by sketchy companies like Wako Soaps, or various mall brands. However, we are here to tell you that there is only one central manufacturer, and they are intent on controlling the world. The Illuminati. We just REALLY hope that they don’t sue us and break off partnership after this is publication. I mean - Nothing. We are not affiliated with the illuminati, fake news if you read that anywhere. I really need to get my backspace fixed.
Inventor Jase Collings was invited for this article. We asked him about the internal structure of the soap dispenser. “Well, umm, it’s kinda like magic?” he said, it was quite obvious he knew what he was talking about. “You push on the top and foam comes out. That is how it works” he said, desperately searching for design schematics (oddly in Korean). Our Engineers couldn't figure it out either. This just proves that the Illuminati have been creating hand soap dispensers to control the population. Still not convinced? You will be extremely surprised with our further research.
We spoke with Dr. Heinbrow, Phd in conspiracy theories. We asked the doctor to explain the reasoning Behind The Illuminati's existence. “It would seem as if we are being controlled by the Illuminati through hand soap dispensers I can tell because of the space-time fluctuations in my laboratory. I explain this further in my paper titled ‘A brilliant study’ that can also be found on Huntington Post. I will summarize the section of which you should be concerned...” be cut off the rest of the conversation because it took 3 hours of non stop talking. We went back and checked to make sure he didn't recite the entire essay, but he did in fact only recite a certain part. Oddly enough perfectly.
Furthermore hand soap dispensers use different kinds of fragrance. Dr. Heinbrow suspect that these are used in targeted advertising to control people of different ranks in the social ladder. For example the president of, I don't know I should've probably looked this up, anyway that president uses Peach smelling hand soap. Meanwhile all his subordinates only use orange smelling hand soap. We reason that because of this, the Illuminati is making all this hand soap for different kinds of people of different positions in government. This is definitely not because they use separate bathrooms.
After our science teams analyze the contents of various soap Brands they all have a common ingredient; something that destroys bacteria. Our science team, earlier this year, found that bacteria is used mainly for mind control. Therefore by destroying certain kinds of this bacteria with different fragrances of hand soap, the Illuminati can effectively control the entire world through only hand soap. It is a very inconspicuous and ingenious method of total Global control. We asked Dr. Hepler about his thoughts on this new research. “This is complete blasphemy. Why would the Illuminati want to control the world, especially through hand soap?” Dr. Hepler is obviously not a believer in science nor real news. It is unlikely that he will ever come up with some groundbreaking anything. We move on to our next bit of research.
Phil, a prize-winning editorial board member, was asked to comment on this new research. “This is absolutely outstanding and will change the world forever, now that we know about our Illuminati overlords.” Now we realize that many of you are still not convinced. Probably from the lack of Phil having a doctorate degree… However, we will set your mind at ease with this next bit of evidence. We also asked Tim, another editorial board member of the Huntington Post, to explain in detail what the process is like for controlling the world. He has past experience. “First you need to start a good following. Then you need to fake your disappearance. Afterwards you go into hiding for a couple thousand years. Then you start subliminally controlling the world through its leaders. This is often done through bribery, deception, and subliminal messaging. Every once in awhile we also tapped directly into the minds of world leaders. I mean ‘every once in awhile THEY also tapped directly into the minds of world leaders’ why, why would I do anything like that?”
Tim quickly left the room, supposedly for a fresh cup of coffee. Now because I can see into your mind, I know that I have sufficiently convinced you that hand soap is an Illuminati conspiracy designed to control the entire world. Therefore, it is precisely why this article is ending very shortly. Goodbye!
This article was brought to you by the IEB and the Huntington post editorial board.
