How to identify a Cucumber
By The Entire Editorial Board - Published 2018-08-01
Cucumbers can be very sneaky, and knowing when you are confronted with one may be very useful. We have several editorial board members to help us write this article.
We first have Dr. Yamok.
“Well, first you must travel to the potential cucumber’s homeland. You accomplish this by asking it for a ticket. Not just any ticket though. This has to be a true ticket. Make sure to confirm it with an md5 hashing algorithm. When you do get to its homeland, you must ask the local government for proof of the potential cucumber’s existence, and proceed to threaten them to give you the cucumber’s birth certificate. If the last name reads, ‘Definitely a Cucumber’, then you are dealing with a real life cucumber.”
Next we have Mouin.
“Just ask it nicely. No one can answer untruthfully to a question if asked really nicely. That is how I found out that Dr. Heinbrow is actually a narwhale. See? I asked the kind Mr. (Arizonian Writer) really nicely, and he told me!”
And, uhh, Gerald Fitz (Arizonian Writer):
“You have to threaten to expose it’s secret. It may act confused, but oh, it knows. They all know. Then, and only then, they will spill the beans. They are EVIL and THEY KNOW IT. They think they can fool you by saying ‘I am not a cucumber, I am an accountant’ but you must remain vigilant! You must respond with ‘I am not letting you go, you are staying here tied to a chair”
Bob is next.
“I would say offer it a bribe, but, uhh , yeah. Sorry about that. Hey, by any chance, has anyone seen the payro-”
He must’ve gone insane at that last moment and started talking gibberish. Huh.
Jiǎxiǎng Cháng wished to go next:
“Steal it’s seeds, eat half, plant the other half. If there are no seeds, then you are dealing with a cucumber. Otherwise, you are dealing with a cucumber.”
We would’ve had Tim on here, but no one likes Tim.
Max Greel:
“Eat it. If it tastes human, then it is definitely not. If it tastes cucumber, then you better try some more. Just in case.”
And we have Dr. Chron here, too:
“And then you- And then you- And then you- And then you- And then you- And then you- And then you- And then you- “
He seemed very single minded. Moving on.
Ezeikial Bighat has came back to us to do this
“Y’all know I’ve been ‘round, so ye better know I know what’s a cucumber. Ye gotta look it in the eyes, see through it’s soul. That ain’t the only way, though. Ye can also do a … background check is it called? Yea. Effective, innit?”
Phil reluctantly joined us as well.
“Are these chains necessary?”
And… Jase Collings said something about checking on the 2018 Olympic Stadium.
Greg adds a complex, meaningful and advanced explanation of the topic
“Eat”
Nicholas Poller has also provided a response.
“How do we really know what a cucumber is? Where do we draw the line? Why is, say, a strawberry not a cucumber? When does one stop being one thing and start being another?”
Sir Wintrust has been recalled for this article.
“You have to hunt it down and kill it. I also have … discreet access … to a couple databases. One can find out there.”
Person 0, as they go by, has joined us.
“There is a simple elegant way to figure it out, first check if the amount of atoms mod 37 is less than 17, then count the number of nickels in boxes in Russia. Otherwise count the number of tomatoes on vines in Europe. Once you are done counting, then calculate the volume of the possible cucumber. If the count mod the volume is a prime, it's a cucumber. I am of course over simplifying”
Dr. Heplar is gratified to have been invited to join us in this article
“Test it against the spreadsheet- oh. Darnit Gerald Fitz!”
Fred somehow broke into the editorial room and answered.
“Give it a quiz that only a human could answer!” -He promptly smashed through a window and ran.
Dr. Heinbrow didn’t show up. Something about “Doing research on boredom” but can’t find a suitable control group. And he wasn’t invited. Ha.
Dr. James suggested something along the lines of asking any biologist. He is, of course, crazy.
We also realize that you may run into trouble in your efforts to identify said cucumber. So, we are including various guides to assist you.
How to defeat an army of Narwhals:
One must always be ready to encounter a horde of narwhals in the streets. You must always carry a pitchfork at all times, and be on the lookout for sheep that smell like unicorns. In the event you do indeed find a narwhal(s) and must go to war, remember to get your tank. Which you have given 1=1+1.
What to do in the event that you encounter a Pineapple
Pineapples can be especially tricky. They only know fear, fear from hurling flooring tiles at them. In the unlikely event that your potential cucumber is a pineapple, you must pelt it with various flooring tiles. If this does not work, attempt to use vinyl instead.
What to do if the cucumber has been trained in martial arts
The possibility of a cucumber being trained in martial arts is quite real, and doubles if you meet two. You must flail your arms around wildly, wail random pigeon sounds, and run towards them. If by any chance you haven't the ability to flail your left arm for whatever reason, resort to flinging flooring tiles at them with your right arm.
When to use lethal force with a potato
Potatoes are extremely dangerous, and are very starchy, but often seed well. As a rule of thumb: never hit a potato with glasses. This will cause an uprising in potato society as we know it. If you do need to beat a potato, try to mash it with a club. If you encounter a “smashed” potato, you must attack as it tries to wobble home. Also note that a “loaded” potato is especially dangerous, as it is always armed and fully loaded. To defeat a loaded potato, you must get under it’s skin and insult it, but this may be a fruitless effort.
We do truly hope that this has assisted you in one way or another. We would like to thank those who had joined us for this article.
Last Modified 2021-04-21
