Invasion of the Kazoos
By Gerald Fitz - Published 2018-10-21
The Kazoos are a menace to modern society, and they are coming! And they are coming for your apricots!
Kazoos, if you didn’t know, are small tractor beam lasers that are pretending to be musical instruments. They were invented by the illuminati last year, They also made false information to make you think that they were “invented in 1840 by Alabama Vest and Thaddeus Von Clegg”. These names are obviously fake because no real person would have a name as dumb as “Thaddeus Von Clegg”. They were invented to steal apricots from hard working Americans. How? Why? Who cares? IT'S THE ILLUMINATI!
Our scientists[1] have done a survey that proves my point. A direct quote from our totally unbiased survey says “In conclusion,[Kazoos] have ...a...t...t...a...c...k...e...d”[2]. The survey was of 2 whole people about what they thought of kazoos, Since one of them said that they didn’t understand we can conclude that the Kazoos also brainwash people to not understand when interviewed about it.
The kazoo treachery has gone even further than many realize. It is proven that kazoos are the second most potent form of poison(second only to jazz). Kazoos are lethal when inhaled. Consuming one will kill you in moments. Any atmosphere which consists of 1 kazoo per cubic millimeter will poisonous to all humans.
That’s not all; They have been secretly building tanks and puppies in preparation for the attack on mainland United States. They will invade with aircraft carriers, pickle juice, flamingoes and tangerine potato smoothies. They will attack relentlessly and if we are not prepared they may win!
Kazoos have been found to project air at targets and emit high frequency waves in the atmosphere. We can only guess what nefarious purposes these could serve. My guess is to awaken the giant demon squid via creating the dark lighthouse(a lighthouse that shoots darkness via toaster). Either that or destroying all mankind and leaving the planet in never-ending shadow as the flying sharks feast on car tires.
How will we stop the Kazoos? Kazoos have a variety of weaknesses that we can brutally exploit. For starters they are vulnerable to a charging bull. We need to weaponize and control bulls. The best way to do this is by putting a mosquito on a stick. You may not know this but bulls are attracted to mosquitoes via magnetism. So all we have to do is put one on a stick and use it to point the bull in the direction of the Kazoo aggressor.
Another notable weakness is their distaste of orange juice. If you carry around buckets of orange juice you may be able to disarm the kazoo. But be warned; Kazoos are a tricky prey. Most know karate and/or ninjutsu. They are masters of disguise and may look like a fish tank, but don't be distracted. They are murderous psychopaths.
- I do not believe in “Science” I believe it's a conspiracy to build 13,232 donuts.
- Not a direct quote
Last Modified 2021-04-21
