Lunar New Year
By Gerald Fitz (Arizonian Writer) - Published 2020-01-25
As the lunar year comes to a close, we are forced to ask: Why do we celebrate lunar events if we are not on the moon? We celebrate Martian Halloween, but Martian Halloween has apples and tomatoes, which lunar new year clearly lacks. So why do we celebrate the lunar new year? Answer: The moon has a mind control laser beam
It may seem silly to some that the moon would have a laser that forces people to celebrate a holiday, but if you look really closely at the moon, you can see it. Each of the darker sections of the moon are blast marks created by the laser firing. The moon is so old: So ancient, So unknowable, that it is clearly an eldritch being with a super laser. It has existed for millennium without any damage from meteors, the only logical explanation is that it was capable of destroying the craters with a superlaser that also makes people celebrate a holiday. It explains both the holiday, the black spots, and the lack of any damage from craters.
"Where did the moon get the laser?", I hear you cry. There is only one thing as old as the moon, ostriches. Before the sun, before the planets, before air, before light, before energy, before atoms, before space, before time, before natural satellite, before humankind, there was only the moon and ostriches. The ostriches were alone together, floating in the nothingness. They came across the moon, and wanted to make a friend so they bribed the moon with a space laser. This was also the very first instance of the honorable practice of buying friendship. With their new friend, the ostriches waited longer through the timeless void. When the universe came into being, the moon and ostriches stuck around. According to Dr Heinbrow, this hypothesis is technically a hypothesis and technically possible. This new revolutionary hypothesis is the first to provide evidence for what came before the big bang and thus, I am a brilliant scientist who is to be referred to as DR Arizonian Writer from now on. Do not refer to me as Gerald Fitz, that is my peasant name.
How does the moon laser work? It probably harness the energy of socks that grew legs and walked away, it is the only source of energy powerful enough to charge a mind-laser of that magnitude. It launches small probes towards the earth, these probes are invisible and survey the planet looking for the leftover essence of lost socks. It harvests this energy, then returns to the moon to deposit the power. The moon uses its laser to convert this energy into a moon laser. It then fires the moon laser on an unsuspecting person, making them celebrate lunar new year.
Why does the moon use its laser? The moon, naturally, has the ultimate goal of overthrowing the American Government. It plans to do so by giving power to small aspects of society and having them gain power in the darkness. As of lunar new year, it will focus this power on the small rodents of the world. They will begin to eat away at the wires and tunnels that keep our society together, and destroy American society from within. We should all fear the year of the rat. Your computer mouse will join their rat friends and fight back. Know that every misclick and bad internet connection was definitively caused by the moons laser and nothing else.
How can you avoid the effect of the moon's laser? selenium has natural anti-laser properties. While there are artificial ways of getting anti-laser properties that are more effective, they are not nearly natural enough for you. selenium reflects any laser you shine at it, and thus, you make yourself immune to the laser. Remember, just eat more selenium! You can find selenium supplements here. You have to eat more selenium, or else. Did you know almost 99.999% of people who do not celebrate the lunar new year have consumed or will consume selenium at some point in their life? That is as clear as correlation gets!
Remember the signs and the causes of the moon-laser as you go about your daily, all American, life. Have a laser-free weekend
