Shrimp Are Telepathic
By Dr Gerald Fitz And Dr. Yamok - Published 2019-12-30
Shrimp are all around us, they float around in the drinks we eat and the air we swim around in. Scientists estimate 99% of all life are shrimp, some even theorise that we are shrimp. However, many people don’t really know that much about our four legged friends. Today the Huntington Post will be talking about Shrimp!
A shrimp’s diet is incredibly varied. From livestock to gold bars with a purity no less than 99.5%, a shrimp will eat pretty much anything. In the wild, shrimp prefer devouring the souls of the ancient ones, but they will occasionally eat berries and fruits. For those of you who own shrimp, it is recommended that you let them dine on human flesh. This should be done by opening the padoc and releasing one unsuspecting human. The shrimp will sneak up on the unsuspecting human and implant it’s talons into their vertebrae. At this point, the shrimp will take control of the nervous system and cause the human to violently desire the Ribel, A traditional Liechtensteinian dish.
The most fascinating aspect of a shrimp is their telepathy. All shrimp are naturally telepathic, and will be constantly chanting telepathic messages to everyone nearby. These messages vary with the type of shrimp, with white-tailed shrimp loudly shouting about the geo-political situation in the middle east and hammerhead shrimp talking about how to take over the world. This may also differ based on a number of factors including its most recent dietary change, such as paleo or vegan, or its most recent Netflix binge. Shrimp eyes don’t actually see, but rather emit a wave of thought. Multiple shrimp can sometimes cause a thought-tsunami, that can destroy entire imaginary cities. If all shrimp simultaneously stop thinking, the earth returns to snowball form. As far as we know, this has happened exactly twice. It is best practice to keep at least one shrimp occupied.
Many people often ask me, as a real doctor, “Where do shrimp come from”. The answer is incredibly simple. The sun god Ra was in the process of being resurrected for the 736935th time since 0ad when he suddenly had to cough. So the sun helper Gerald Fitz decided that shrimp would be cool, something to counteract the mind waves inherent in swans. So a shrimp was created. The shrimp lived in paradise until it decided to try to play fetch with the mongooses, which was strictly forbidden. This caused it to be thrown out of its cage. Ever since then, the shrimp have been rampaging monsters who know only suffering and anger. Every time someone punches a baby, a shrimp is formed out of the pure evilness-ness. Some people question how I know so much about shrimp they will say “You aren’t really a doctor, are you?”, “Why would you tell such a ridiculous lie?” or “That's all well and good Mr Fitz, but what will you have on your sandwich?”. All of these questions are WRONG and the people who tell them are MORONS WHO DON’T APPRECIATE MY FANCY DOCTORATE AND THE FANCY WEBSITE I GOT IT FROM. Those people who don’t appreciate the long and detailed history and biology of the humble shrimp are big mean meanies. I am a real doctor, I wear a sound-listening thingy around my neck at all times. This means I am a real doctor and everything I say is necessarily true!
In conclusion shrimp are really interesting and I am a real doctor.
