Someone stole the sky!

By The Editorial Board - Published 2019-04-15

Kids from an early age are told that the sky is real and blue, However, science has just discovered that the sky is nonexistent and you were an idiot for ever believing that they were real.

The evidence that the sky is stolen is overwhelming. First of all, have you ever seen the sky up close? You get pretty close in a plane, but you still are not really there. Yea your above the clouds but you are still not past the sky. Spaceships got that high, but then again all of the photographs from space can be fake. So what solid scientific evidence do we have that the sky even exists.

There is a perfectly plausible explanation for how the sky works, a blanket that replaced what the sky used to be, with the stars being holes in the blanket. This is the only logical explanation. Presumably these holes were created by the Illuminati(◬) as they fired missiles at the Sky God Jeff. How have we not heard of these missiles? Simple. They disguise it as the space program. I hope your mind is blown.

But why would they attack the Sky God Jeff? What do all sky gods have? The biggest sandwiches. And the only way to get past Jeff and steal the sandwiches was to distract him by firing missiles at him. How have we not noticed the Great Sky God Jeff? Well we have! His tears were rain. Because he is mad at us for stealing the sandwiches he started whacking the oceans(His bath) in a All-Mighty Fit. This is behind the increase in flooding, hurricanes and tsunamis(Not “Global Warming” That would be absurd). This makes perfect sense and is the only logical explanation.

Need more evidence? All you have to do is look to the sun. Stare directly at it. Continue starring. Now you are in a staring contest with the sky god Jeff. Now you can feel, firsthand, his magic. He uses his magic to make you blink. He will never blink! Therefore he is a god. This is conclusive testing that anyone can do. I mean, how could you even deny the mountain of evidence. But the question remains? Who stole the sky? I believe the answer is close than many may think

So, who would steal the sky? I could be wrong, but I am not. It's a pineapple. I mean it's so obvious that I don’t even have to explain it. For the idiots in the audience who somehow cannot understand it it's obviously a pineapple because that's what all the evidence leads to. Stealing is the way of the fruit, and pineapples are masters. They are proficient in drills, code breaking and lock picking. They can overcome any defense. They must have snuck into the vault where the sky is held and stolen it while the Sky god Jeff was distracted by the missiles. This means that the US is working with the pineapples. So, How do we keep our umbrella’s safe from the pineapples? Our own article “How to identify a cucumber” explains:

“What to do in the event that you encounter a Pineapple

Pineapples can be especially tricky. They only know fear, fear from hurling flooring tiles at them. In the unlikely event that your potential cucumber is a pineapple, you must pelt it with various flooring tiles. If this does not work, attempt to use vinyl instead.”

As we can see the sky is obviously stolen. It's the only logical explanation. Why else would we see holes in it? It explains everything. The sky is blue because the sky god Jeff is allergic to every other color, and probably tree nuts. It explains why we spread chemtrails in the atmosphere, to poison the almighty sky god Jeff. Please, tell your friends, pets, victims, family and flower pots that the sky was stolen!