Vending Machines

By Max Greel - Published 2019-04-02

Hello. I am purchasing Vending Machines for the Huntington Post lounge. But I have no idea what I should put in them. I am sharing my logic with you.

Maybe I should put energy drinks in there. But this is an office; not a sports center. Maybe I will put coffee in. Wait, coffee only comes in glass bottles, they would shatter. So… Wazo Corps Drinks? They have the approximate chemical composition of a gopher, though. Dihydrogen monoxide is deadly poisonous, dehydrated water is too expensive. Cyanide. Yea, I saw Dr. Heplar walking around with a glass of it into his lab that nobody knows about that everyone knows about. I will put cyanide in there.

But we need more than just one drink. We need a selection. Pureed grass seed might be an option, but I heard somewhere that Gerald Fitz uncovered it’s darkest secret. There might be some ideas on the corkboard on the second floor, but I cannot go up there anymore ever since the incident happened. I could put in bottles of hand soap but those are an illuminati conspiracy. Or maybe something a bit stronger than what I’m thinking about. How about Ammonia? Ooh or Bleach? Oh, I got it: A blend of Ammonia and Bleach!

Okay: I got 2 drinks down. I think we need a third, though. Hmm.

Oh! I can blend together the mushrooms and berries I found in the forest the other day. I tried to eat one and I saw things. I think this will help productivity.

I think we just need one more. Stagnant water! Yes! There is a brown pond near the building and I can bottle up some of that gold!

So, we got the drinks figured out: Cyanide, Ammonia and Bleach, Berries and Mushrooms, and stagnant water. But, we also need food. Some light snacks to go in the vending machine to hold people off until lunch and/or dinner. I took a look online and found that Cicadas are popular in some parts of the world. I should be able to can some on a year that is divisible by a prime number.

We have a new office pet that likes to eat fish and other aquatic life. I should have some squid and herrings in the vending machine. But we still need more. I hear that people like tea. Tea is made from leaves. I should get monkshood leaves in bags and put them in the vending machine.

Hmm; I am also thinking we should have ghost peppers. But “Ghost Peppers” does not fit on the bag in which it will be contained. So, I will just put “Pepper” on the bag.

So, I think that will just about wrap up our vending machine menu. I do hope my co-workers enjoy what I have chosen.