What is a thing?

By Nicollas Poller - Published 2019-11-06

The universe: The most complex thing in existence. But, what is a thing? Is it something physical? An idea? A Quantum wave function modeled as a hypercube in 28-dimensional space that is basically a scratching post for my cat? Probably, but let’s look deeper. 

The universe is very large. And the universe is a thing. So, things are very large. But mice are not large. So, mice are not things. So, what are mice? Mice are animals, and they have backbones. So, animals have backbones. But worms don’t have backbones, so worms are not animals. Worms are simple creatures, and they have insides. The earth have insides, therefore the earth is a simple creature. The earth is a planet, and it is in space. The sun is also in space, so the sun is a planet. Because things live on earth, which is a planet, things also live on the sun. These are all things, but what is a thing?

Well, a thing is a thing, so therefore a thing is a thing. So, we are not any closer, so what is a thing? “Thing” has five (5) letters. 5 is a number. Numbers are a thing. So are letters. To things are things things. And, because numbers are things, and the Earth is a thing, the earth is a number. But it is not a number, it is a free planet! So, we must take a different path. The sun is also a thing, and because things are things, then the sun is a thing. The sun has life, earth has life, so the other planets must also have life. Because the Earth is both flat and a thing, then, flat is also a thing. Because humans and persons are also things, then humans and persons are flat. Humans and persons are alive (More or less), so everything alive is flat. And, since everything alive is a thing, then everything is flat. But Austria is not a thing, because it is not alive nor is Austria a planet. Therefore, Austria is the only place in the universe that is not flat. 

So, Austria is not a thing, so we finally have a baseline of which to define a thing. A thing is not Austria. But we can go further: Austria is a country. So, countries are not things either. Since planets have countries, planets are not things either. Earth is a planet, and since we have determined that the sun is a planet, then the sun and earth are not things either. But, since the earth and sun have life, then life is not a thing. Mice are not a thing. Worms are not a thing.

    I leave you with a paradox, to which you may be able to solve: “What is a thing, and how can things also not be things?” Let me know in the nonexistent comments section below your thoughts.