Why Pianos are Deadly Weapons
By The Editorial Board - Published 2019-03-04
Pianos are deadly weapons, although the reasoning behind this perfectly logical claim is astounding, not even the most seasoned debater could argue against us. Let us show you the astounding evidence to which we have come to believe that pianos are, indeed, worse than an ICBM.
The first reasoning is based on earth’s gravity. If a piano falls down a flight of stairs, it is guaranteed to at least hospitalize the victim, and at worst: turn them into human jelly. Grand pianos weigh, at minimum, 500 pounds (~226 kg), and the typical height of a single flight of stairs is 9 feet (2.7 meters). The gravitational acceleration here on earth is 32 feet per second (9.8 meters per second). The time it takes the piano to hit the floor is going to be 2.7=0t+9.8*(12)t2, or about t = 0.74 seconds. This allows us to calculate the velocity once the piano hits the ground: v=0+0.74-(9.8)=7.252, which is our velocity. Therefore, the kinetic force of when said 500lb piano slams into the floor will be equal to 500*(12)*(7.252)2=13147.8 pounds of force. Mind you: 25 pounds can crush a human bone. Ouch.
Second Reasoning: The strings used inside the piano can easily cut someone. These strings are sharp and very taught, and when cut will spring from its cage of the piano at an unsuspecting victim. Piano strings have been known to cause nasty cuts and scars, and leave some people permanently disfigured. And on top of that: there a lot more strings in the piano.
Our third reasoning is that pianos can catch fire when falling through the atmosphere. It has been recorded by NASA that objects traversing the upper atmosphere will spontaneously combust – so much so that heat shields must be designed to protect brave astronauts and weary accountants. Don’t ask about that last one. On top of that, when a piano falls through the sky, it may reach Mach one: the speed of sound. When this occurs, a “sonic boom” is created, and will rupture windows, ears, and in some cases, blood vessels.
The fourth and final reasoning is that pianos often come on wheels. These extremely heavy objects already destroy anything that comes near it, and the last thing we need is it to use its weight to bend the floor and roll into little Jimmy. The wheels may be locked into place; but would you really trust a thin locking mechanism to protect you from your 1,200-pound behemoth? I didn’t think so.
So, there you have it. Pianos are more dangerous than a nuclear launch centre in the middle of a minefield. Protect yourself and your family: get a cannon.
