Jase Collings Runs for President
By The Editorial Board - Published 2018-08-01
Jase Collings 5 minutes ago was not fit for president. But now, he is fully qualified to run the entire country. Walking away from the lawyer’s office, with a freshly printed birth certificate [written in delicate Crayon] in hand, with the official documents tampered with to make it so he has resided in the country for at least 14 years. Jase Colling’s presidential slogan is as follows: Make America War-like again!
Jase Collings is running as an independent party, whose views differ from most. However, our political prediction team[1] thinks that Jase Collings will be popular among both Republicans and Democrats.
When it comes to policy; He loves guns. He believes everyone should have high powered weaponry and be in the military, which will appeal to the republicans. He also loves to tax literally everyone an extreme amount which will appeal to democrats. To engage with the republican base he will use the money gained through taxation to create a border wall and to build up the military. He will help businesses by hiring our a secret military another way he will help businesses will be by stopping globalization so our jobs aren’t sold out to other countries. In a really pro-democratic move he will clean up the social divide, by making everyone poor working class to help bolster military production. In addition all schooling that leads to being a great soldier will be free(The Dems will enjoy that one!). Another move that will make the democrats happy will be the fact he is pro-science by giving more funding towards the space program, Or as it will be renamed, the space bombardment program.
On the subject of “Diplomacy”. His first priority is to rename “Diplomacy” “Conquest”. We will finally rule the world in a true “America Only” policy. With his united strength he shall turn the president into the true commander in chief. He will use his secret military in his global domination. Not only will he leave the EU, He will nuke all countries in the EU. He will have an absolutely no tolerance for terrorism. By destroying the entire rest of the world all terrorists will be destroyed. To ensure that there is no terrorisms in our beautifully magical country that is the best in every way, he will remove the 4th amendment and will order the police to search every person in the US and install checkpoints where people will be heavily searched to ensure loyalty and nationalism. Furthermore there will be mandatory security cameras to create a state of security, you can call it a “Security state”
Jase Collings is clearly the most qualified candidate due to his incredible amount of experience. While he has no military experience. Or previous political experience, or any other useful experience, he has had time pretending to be in a business and wants to run the country like an improv comedy. He also has played risk before so he knows that we need to send cannons and horses to alaska. His experience will be helpfull[2] as supreme leader. He plans to use Diplomacy[3] to get rid of any threats such as North Korea. He also plans to stop the abomination that the constitution, He does not believe in freedom of the press and believes that they are the true enemy of the people. Because the press are the enemy of the people, he plans to send them to a black room for, some reconditioning...
For his running mate he is still undecided he will either choose GLADOS or Dr Yamok. Both have incredible experience running test chambers and in the ancient art of “Hoc est pulchellus stultus rosea purpura et pellem pilosam” Do not bother to look that up as it is true and the punishment for disobedience in our great new tyranny is super ultra hyper mega death™[5]. But you may still be on the fence about voting for him, but just think. If he wins then you will wish you still had fences. Or crabs. Or voting.
Our very own Dr Heinbrow supports him in his “A brilliant study- An in depth overview of political structures” Version 12 subversion 195 section 19 subsection 29 book 39 subbook 490 chapter 304 subchapter 493.4353023450234025*10^100^100^100 page 1 subpage 0 table of contents summaries 9th paragraph “The physical form to which we prescribe the artificial label of homo sapiens to which has taking the artificial identifying string of written, electronic, or harmonic vibration(to which we interpret as) symbols of ‘Jase Collings’ would be an adequate selection option as to the office of the president of the United States of America...” We had to cut him off as we were running out of interns.
Gerald Fitz gives him the certification of non-slug[6]. And he adds “While most of the world have been affected by chemtrails, the poison found in turtles, and the illuminati zombie sheeple alien mind altered he doesn’t seem to be infected. He also does not have a secret lizard shell, Synth Component, and has not taken part in any moon landing faking unlike 99.999% of the rest of the human population”
Vote for Jase Collings and make America a dystopia again!
- that is actually not adept at the moment, they are in training
- Helpful is relative
- Diplomacy meaning conquest
- Source: http://left4dead.wikia.com/wiki/Left_4_Dead_Wiki
- We trademarked Super Ultra Hyper Mega Death
- A High honor coming from Gerald Fitz
